I woke up this morning with I hate myself feeling
Just found my mom passed out in my bed holding a bag of wine. Not sure if I'm ashamed or proud.
I think being a buddhist has made me a better drunk
Why is it only times like these when I'm scrubbing the cum stains off my futon before my family gets here that I seriously begin to question my life choices?
We're attempting to get a tally of how may people puked last night...Please respond with your vomit status.
Something's wrong. Everything's on fire. Unless it was like that before. Then everything's alright.
Unless your apartment has 3 am pancakes Im not coming over.
I've been here for three hours and I am already feeling sorry for whatever offspring i will indefinitely produce in this place.
I pray for you bro.
This is what my life has come to. Like, I may or may not have just stolen pizza from the guy I just hooked up with's fridge when I left...
I just woke up on an unfamiliar floor, my shoes are gone, my suits covered in red lipstick and chocolate, and Im wearing sunglasses that say "Maid of Honor".God damnit I love this country.
And then he dove into my vagina like scrooge mcduck into a room of gold
Just learned a valuable lesson today. Don't open snap chats from 3 am the next morning while sitting next to a small child. They totally saw your dick.
I want the address of the individual responsible for strawbeeritas. I want to send them gift basket.
Named all the presidents in order between puke sessions while semi conscious so that's a thing I can do now
It was crazy man, at one point after already going 3 rounds I tried to breakaway for a smoke...she yanked me by the nipple hair back on top of her.
Randomize
