the stripper made me go home becuz she had to take her kid to a birthday party in the morning
Waitress cut us off at Chili's bar. New low
I look like a herd of wild horses chewed on my back. If you bite me again while taking me from behind, I'm going to have to cut you off.
I want him to be the Hulk to my Brooke Hogan this Halloween. Can I ask him to be my daddy this weekend?
Only if you say it like that.
Some old truck driver just made me smell his beard I hope tonight turns out better
It was my penance. God came down to me in the form of an angel and said, "you must atone for your sins, by puking in your mouth at church right before communion"
Theme for your birthday? Beer olympics in S&M costumes? Sounds like a nice little saturday
Yeah sorry about that. I got pulled into the Russian student society's end of term party. There was too much vodka and eurodance to come help you pack.
I had sex on a sidewalk in downtown Chicago... I don't think I have anymore morals to lose.
You ran down the alley towards a stranger screaming "you took my beer".... Then proceeded to run into a garage, fall down, and scream about how your shirt makes you look fat.
I should be free tonight unless my 5 speed vibrator arrives in the mail today, than we might have scheduling conflicts.
I have to make calls today at work. So I'm gonna call your phone and leave some random messages. Just delete them.
I made it 1 week... 5 business days at my new job before sleeping with my coworker.
I’m on my third beer doing poppers in the shower to no doubt
I had sex while watching Lord of the Rings last night. I think I just reached a new level of nerd.
Randomize
