I drank it, and now my boss keeps hitting me in the face with beams of light.
Tripping at your desk probably isn't the best plan you've had.
he was on top of me and all of a sudden stopped and starting picking his nose...i asked him if he was okay, he sort of looked confused, and he told me he had a booger that hurt. guess its a good thing i wasnt planning on dating this guy
you really should stop posting my phone number on craigslist as tranny seeking tranny, last night i answered at family dinner and almost choked on my hot dog
do you not see the irony in that??
captain morgan taught me last night that resee's puffs are way better when eaten straight out of the sink.
You told my mother that her salad dressing tasted like semen.
He got so drunk that he tried hitting on a girl using nothing but his Samuel L. Jackson soundboard application on his Iphone
my little brother just asked me why i have handcuffs. How do I tell him that his sister likes being taken advantage of in the bedroom?
I think I actually have rug burn on my eye.
I'm lonelier than Tom Hanks in Cast Away, right meow. Ready to make this bong my Wilson.
First time on E and Chris took me to a petsmart during puppy day. I might die of pure awesomeness.
watched two friends get underages. one had a shirt on that said lets get wasted while the other said to the cop "i understand your just trying to do your job but that was dirty bro".
I never woulda thought that back in kindergarten playong kickball that'd i'd be 24 getting plastered in front of the white house and winning a kickball championship in a young adult drinking league
Also, beer. Big fan.
Are you 5:30 blackout again?
But if you do poop yourself let me know. I want that as a tagline. "So funny she'll make you shit yourself."
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