The bird has been looking kind of ugly lately...gotta look nice to fly with the hawk ya know?
My face smells like last night's lay. I need a whore bath. Or a corndog.
i pretty much saved your life. you were so conviced that your nail polish remover bottle was "Vodka Lemon"
24 hours later and my vagina is still tingling. That good.
the room spins SO much faster in panama
I will seriously deflate and melt into the floor into a puddle of devestation, shame and vodka.
I stared at his lazy eye for so long, he thought I had one too. Then we bonded over our lazy eyes. I had to fake one all night. My head is fucking killing me. NEVER pretend to have a lazy eye.
If you happen to tell anybody my drunk story in the near future, please refrain from telling them about me shitting myself. People are getting the wrong idea and random people are messaging me on Facebook making fun of me for that
I'll give you $10 to get a dick pic with a gecko on it.
Felt so good this afternoon, figured I wouldn't have a comedown. Wrong. Just realized I've been staring at a wall for 40 minutes contemplating the color yellow.
I moved to this city Tuesday and got laid Saturday. Still got it.
Some days, I wish I could get a hug from a furry muppet
SPICY FOODS AND BLOWJOBS DON'T MIX.
YOU SAID YOU'D TRY ANYTHING ONCE YOU LIAR
It makes me so happy that my local liquor store has a black lab that is there every day. Really tho - it makes the higher prices excusable.
he was just sitting there in his underwear... and his chewbacca mask...
Randomize
