I always wonder when I meet a guy from online if he needs a moment to mentally register and accept the size of my ass. maybe ill wear a dress.
I love college. Only here at ten in the morning can you hear "Man, hot sauce on my pussy was my worst idea in a long time." while walking down the hall.
Hookers taste better with whip cream
Maybe we ought to get some pennicillin too
Fair enough
she walked in on me snorting my prozac. there was no way to convince her i was doing a good thing.
everyone at work keeps looking at me like they know I got the herp this weekend
Doing a circuit workout and using a power hour playlist for my 1 minute timers. I am getting old. creative, but old.
we received free cupcakes at the first bar, and then I at the second bar i hooked up with a fat chick from Cincinnati on the patio.
you win some, you lose some.
Mom told me you snuck booze into a concert in a cheez its box...I have never been prouder to be related to you
When the sex is so good, you need three fans and have to chug a gallon of water after
He was telling me about how he's leaving on his Mission next week... While we were having sex in the back of his car.
I wonder how drunk we can get before Christmas Caroling turns into trespassing.
And the next thing I knew I was blowing this random hot italian bartender with an uncircumcised penis in his work closet
I described my life as a 7 layer cake of death
My hookup from last weekend apparently got arrested today... his roommate just tagged me on facebook asking for bail money.
Welp, no use in crying over spilt milk. I can't unbang her.
Randomize
