Did you know that when you swallow it's like 60 calories!?
That's okay, it's all protein anyway.
Defrosting my mini wheats in the microwave was a bad choice
vodka and carrot juice, if im gonna drink i at least got my 8 servings of vegetable
i just woke up to 15 people singing a whole new world
The countdown is at hand. We are 15 days from so much Jameson that names will be forgotten. Prepare your liver now or severe projectile vomiting will be the theme of the night.
The bachelorette party was all fun and games until the strippers came. AKA you guys.
I apologize for chief "dances with dolphins" sucking on your friends foot
We didn't have sex because he locked himself in the bathroom and passed out while he was taking a shit. I cuddled with his cat.
wellllllll.... I literally just puked in my mouth so perhaps this is not the epic love connection I believed it to be 3 minutes ago.
Nothing is working I'm going to die alone and on hold with a State Farm representative
my mom tried to talk to me about my drinking, i somehow turned it around on her, now shes going to AA and I'm going to the bar.
He showed up riding a bike blasting the ghostbusters theme song. His name was Lasercat. Im in love.
I can check masterbating in China off the bucket list.
How is it possible for someone who gets so many dick picks sent to her, to be experiencing such a complete and utter lack of dick IRL.
Recliner chair sex has moments of worry....just don't.
The fact that u had sex with a Disney prince blows my mind, you're my hero.
Randomize
