Fuck u you updated twitter but didn't answer my text
I know you're alive
I'm talking handstands, sex in broad daylight, waking me up in the middle of the night. CRAZY
handstands? WTF?
she was a gymnast
go to hell.
all you did was keep googling "what time is it" over and over and over
so apparently we got drunk enough at the reception to rip the center pieces apart and use the flower vases as "fancy glasses"
you rearended a car with your bike and then puked all over his back windshield. They made BUI's for you.
I feel like I have African malaria. I just remembered singing Teenage Dream in full to that biker couple at the bar.
I lost my vibrator temporarily and for some unknown reason my first thought was that you might have stolen it. But then I realized you would never do that because you know it keeps me from killing people. But I am overtired and lacking in faith.
Okay first of all, that is a sick ass nickname please call me that forever. Second, i need your help.
I learned a valuable lesson about combining day drinking with malt liquor: you may think you have super powers, but that's just the Steel Reserve talking.
Did you smoke and go to the aquarium again?
another side note: i'm officially selling my underwear on the internet
I have jizz, in my hair. I'm sitting in class with jizz. In. My. Hair. I need to make better life choices.
You have to commit to sexting. You can't just quit right after I send you pictures of my asshole.
Seriously, come on.
I feel like there's a picture of my ass on the internet right now.
I hate you.
Can't talk, I'm icing "sorry I barfed on your couch" onto a cookie cake
Honestly his girlfriend says she hates me cause she thinks im trying to get him to cheat on her with me...she should hate me cause i already accomplished that.
Randomize
