Apparently I farted on her in my sleep. Then, just to be sure she was cool, I did it again on purpose and she didnt say anything. So, WIN?
you ever fart during an orgasm? feels like u just lost 10 pounds
The size of her hoop earrings are directly related to how much of a slut she is.
Nothin says happy bday jesus like a shot with your loved ones.
I need a secretary to manage my drinking schedule.
There's two girls at the bar sniffing each others boobs.
today's workout consisted of me putting my fake in my sports bra and running to the liquor store.
Staying in I think. Boyfriend has domesticated me. I'm making eggs naked right now. Also really high.
I asked if he wanted to come over and he said he was busy. Then I sent him a pic of me in the bath with the bottle of wine I already finished and all of a sudden he was free. Booty calls are too easy.
Just found a g string in our driveway, wtf happened this weekend?
They should make a traveling bouncer service to remove unwanted people from your house without getting the cops involved. That sums up my Friday.
It's like past high you was looking out for future high you by rolling that joint and leaving it in your coat pocket. What a Halloween miracle
Well I checked the bush outside his apartment building this morning, and he wasn't there... So I knew he was home.
At the ER, will you come pick me up... Had an allergic reaction, wanted to see if I could eat a peanut without dying... Do you how bad this is evolutionary, I would have died back in the days of survival of the fitest by now
It was dumb but not something to force me into sobriety
Randomize
