he said he wished he had more hands so he could firmly hold my boobs.
Just remembered throwing your phone at your face in a half-drunk stupor the other morning when your alarm went off. Thought I should apologize.
So you know how craigslist used to have an "erotica" section? And how after you click on a link it changes a darker color? And how Dad stays up really late most nights?
Oh god... well at least he's gettin some. Mom's a prude.
I'm at an open mic night and the next act is called 'the best creed cover band ever.' The guy i recently hooked up with is on bass.
all she kept saying was "harder" "mayo" and "who are you"
I feel like a great embryo-shaped weight has been lifted off my shoulders.
His dad asked what he was doing so he texted his FATHER a picture of me wearing his shirt in his bed.
Serious question...Is it possible to get a DUI on a kayak?
PA to anyone at the party last night and wondering where your pants are: they are in my backyard.
Everyone was in jail by 10:30. I'd say it was a successful bachelor party.
How drunk do you guys plan on getting?
We wrote our addresses on our arms for the cab driver, what do you think?
We took vodka shots. You kept saying it was the key to your heart.
What'd I miss?
Erotic hypnosis and studded dog collars.
We need to catch up immediately. I took ecstasy and made out with carrot face this weekend.
Do you remember trying to sleep under the pool table while wearing a reflective vest?
Nope.
You kept saying you had to be safe.
Randomize
