Just bought purple Ray Bans. If there was any small chance that I would ever have sex with women ever again, I just buried it.
I woke up with spaghetti in my mouth
hows a nice way to say "yeah i would go to your dorm, but it's snowing and I know you're not going to blow me, so what's the point"?
We're friends. And when I drunkenly send u a pic of my left testicle i would appreciate a response.
You told him how lucky he was to be an elephant and kept trying to grab his "trunk"
The first aid guy just told us to go get hammered...I'm taking his advice
You need a Jiminy Cricket, but for sexual decisions.
my binge eating and her being stoned all the time has reduced us to a bowl of chinese candies, frozen bacon and a stick of butter, we do however have enough alcohol to start our own liquor store.
I will no longer accept nudes from you because I met your boyfriend last night and he seems like a nice guy
Mate, you pissed in my bed. Then told me to "Just keep swimming"
Two chicks walked outta his room and all he did was beat his chest like LeBron and yell, "And 1!"
Just heard a 15 minute program on the radio about how cases of gonorrhea in the throat and rectum are skyrocketing in the US. Almost crashed laughing so hard.
Sorry, who is this??
Hey how're your balls?
Don't ever let me helicopter again.
If he’s halfway attractive, employed and cool with me having boytoys, I’ll marry him
At this point, I would not mind getting hit by a truck. It would mean I could get this over with quicker.
Randomize
