The bar is so dead the tender gave us free shots for staying. They mixed 2pac and phil collins. That's worth at least three shots.
he wrote Vegans should suck on cow dick on her wall with permanent marker. thats how he got the black eye
she was so "full of love" from watching twilight that she came over and gave me a handjob. when does the next movie come out?
I just noticed that my shirt smells like coffee after eating out a Barista
He told me I had nice tits + they have a great shape. + then proceeded to flatten my boob + show me what the gross tits he's seen look like.
bad sex. bad bad bad. it was like trying to pick up an overcooked noodle with an empty pringles can. why do these guys always seem to find me?
All i've had today is coffee and ketchup packets. I need a job like yesterday.
I let my cat eat the pepperonis off of my pizza while I was still eating it. That's the level of tequila drunk I got last night.
God I adore you.
I am compiling a playlist that reminds me of all my best sexual encounters. It shall be called THE MUSIC OF MY VAGINA'S PEOPLE
I just had to take a picture of someone whose testicles are bigger than my fists combined. Living the dream.
Please tell me you're not home alone watching Glitter.
Can you see in?
would you like to venture to the magical clitoris forest?
Living alone for four weeks has given me unrealistic expectations of pantslessness.
You used a fucking bud light like as lube last night. I'd get a UTI test like stat.
My party ended early and I have a mountain of shrimp and weed
Randomize
