the only difference between me and a prostitute was that i complained a lot more.
you are hot. that is all.
who is this?
the delivery driver from silvermine.
I have a new fascination with cutting really small segments of hair off peoples heads when they're not looking.
"Tuesday" and "open-bar" shouldn't be used in the same sentence.
we took shots then she made me eat a dill pickle with cream cheese wrapped in a piece of turkey.
Apperanlty I was screaming "It's hard to swim with a broken ankle sir" and then tackled the lifeguard. The joys of blackouts
Lightning struck the tree right outside of her window as I came inside her. I think its God's way of saying go by plan b.
After you bought Jesus' name tag off him at the Mexican restaurant you commenced to stumbling around the lobby showing anybody who would listen what would Jesus do.
Stop giving me tequila.
Ya I know. She's self aware though, like the terminator. Which is the best kind of crazy
IDK DUDE BUT HE TIED IT WITH A SHOELACE SO I GOTTA FREE SHOELACE OUTTA THE DEAL. THIS GIVES A NEW MEANING TO LACED DRUGS
I'm hoping my engineering degree will pay off when I invent porn watching in the shower
I wanna send them a card but I don't think hallmark makes a "sorry your fiance and another girl blew me at the same time in a frat house but congrats!" card
We banged in my car doggy style with my head out the window. The sky was marvelous and I saw a shooting star. Its destiny; we're meant to fuck forever.
I feel like I should send her I'm sorry I've been fucking your boyfriend flowers.
You're so sweet in the most vulgar ways
Randomize
