I need ur penis! This is not drunk texting, either! This is I need ur penis texting. There IS a difference!
if you're passed out when i get there i get to wear your banana costume and do awful things to you
I guess I gave him a 20 minute play-by-play of the first three sections of R. Kelly's 'trapped in a closet.'
Kegger tonight. 10pm. $5 coverfor unlimited booze. Proceeds benefit nuns from Uganda. Bring friends. No shit.
I wore water proof eyeliner just incase the first picture of me of 2012 is a mugshot
I bet it kind of sucks while you do community service I'm getting blown in the shower. haha
All i hear is "BITCH BETTER HAVE MY HONEY" and i turn around and there is a dude in a bear costume. It was fur real.
I have no idea. He was just running around wearing a horse mask yelling "bumfuck" repeatedly. We figured we'd just let him get it out of his system.
It's the 30 sec rule.... the worst that could happen is I could die
I just got a text from a guy. The python is ours if we want.
Comedy Central is in dire need of more sitable faces late at night - Trevor Noah has a baby face - there are federal rules against those types of sexual fantasies
I told him to take his man panties off and take the fucking Jaeger bomb already, so no to a 2nd date
You kept crying and I couldnt help but laugh at you, I was really high though.
This lady is talking to me and all I can think about is getting face fucked and doing cocaine. Not neccesarily together and not neccesarily in that order
Talk shit all you want but with my new knife sharpener I have a lethal razor sharp pizza cutter. Fuck with me Mario I dare you!
Randomize
