Hello Stephanie, you need to come pick me up at Par Blvrd correctional facility and bring $750-$1000 for bail. I just got a DUI. Thank you.
What!?!?! How are you txting?!
Because this is Officer Reynolds, and I just arrested your boyfriend.
I texted her sayin "I gotta brush my teethn then Im omw" maybe hint to do the same
please tell me you remember why "7 days" is written above my bed in red marker
Can you get arrested or in trouble for punching a dead relative in a casket?
it's to the point where working 2 jobs this summer will absolutely not cover how much i will spend on alcohol next semester.
he said that he wanted to outsmoke the rain, I don't know what that means but I'm gonna go help him
The fact that I'm going to be living with you is starting to make me worry about my heatlh.
Ya that ship has sailed dude
I am here to underwhelm you with my vagina
He just walked from his house to mine. Walked in and asked for a hug and then left.. And he's sober.
I'm supposed to be maturing, but no instead I'll be shitting my pants in Delaware for my 30th.
Hahahaha nah you won't shit your pants - but you will fully try mushrooms.
I'm gonna send you a dick pic now just so your uncomfortable at work
My body looks like ricotta cheese had a vacation
While having sex, a German accent isn't sexy.
"The More You Know"
the only decorations on the Christmas tree were twinkle lights, condoms, and empty natty cans. I do love a classy holiday party
I just checked and if you bring a picture of your ex they will shred it and give you a free 'hater shot'. Would it be too much to print off one of their wedding pictures and bring it?
I really love that you're not going the 'why am I not married and having a kid yet?' route, but rather 'thank god I dodged that bullet'
Randomize
