I just crawled out of a second story window using a sheet and his clothes for a rope so he wouldn't wake up.
I am so glad I watched Macgyver as a kid.
He said he was from Mississippi and my vagina clamped shut like a frightened oyster
so we had a 20 minute conversation and created the fb page WWND (what would Nana do?) last night after we took our Ambien...that is my definition of an overachiever
I think even Ryan Seacrest is disgusted with the thought of Ryan Seacrest getting some.
I've had cake for breakfast the past 3 days. You tell me how bikini season is going.
Cops do not care. One just laughed and said "precious"
I hope they realize that to me "collecting their mail" is synonymous with "fucking in every room in their house, and twice in the party shower."
Its bad when you wake up with a penis drawn on your face. Its worse when you find out its traced..
If you die first, I'm going to sleep with a pallbearer at your funeral.
Discovery: bouncers seem to get really upset about fire
She said she forgot something.. and when she came out she was carrying a garden gnome, and a bottle of vodka. she was too hot to question it.
Just made a bong out of a pineapple. So yes.. And champagne is about to be popped
I still don't know why she was so offended when I emerged from the bathroom and told her my balls were now clean.
I vaguely remember making out with some dude. Please tell me he had all of his teeth.
VASECTOMY FOR THE WIN
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