we couldnt find her phone in the morning so i called it and found it under the bed. my name came up as 'regret'
My doctor just informed me that my food allergies qualify me for a medical marijuana license. I get it on Tuesday. It won't help at all, but my life is awesome!
the girl I was having sex with just mumbled victory for msu during sex. i love basketball season
Well if my looks don't work with her I'll eat the 50 nuggets to impress her fat roommate.
You just kept yelling, "THAT'S THE POWER OF PINESOL, BABY!"
She slapped his drink out of his hand to get him to leave the bar while he and I were having an intense debate about the lyrics to mmmbop
This guy just told me he wanted to bathe in bong water with me and then tried to lick my nipple through my bra. This could be love.
Apparently drunk me thinks it's a good idea to put drops of acid in assorted open drinks in the fridge... This should be a fun week.
Imagine Captain Hook, but in penis form and sometimes shy.
We fucked to showtunes. Never going out with a theatre major ever again.
I took the pregnancy test for shits and giggles, but neither shits nor giggles were had.
I gave him a BJ in the shower
I just fell and it seemed like a good idea when I was down there
She did NOT find it funny to come upstairs to find me with the word "MISERY" written on my forehead in magic marker and the label to the vodka bottle replaced with a scrap of paper taped around that says "COMPANY"
I'm glad you threw up in my bed because now we talk.
You fell asleep while I was sucking your dick
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