My dad just told me he used to masturbate to cat woman...he then proceeded to beat my brother in beer pong and wont let me play...
i told her that she could bring as many friends as she wanted and then she asked how many people i could fit in my bed...BEST. DAY. EVERRRR.
you kept eating the heads off the gummy bears and screaming 'euthanized!'
you kept making us tell you how cute you looked in your new outfit, even after you threw up all over it
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
no sex. but he left me weed, so almost as good.
Shes been standing with her arms crossed in front of the mirror for 45 minutes...she told me she's "getting sober"
Things I can say. There is a photo of me pouring whipped cream into a midgets mouth.
The one thing I know about living in Vegas is the closest I'll ever come to being a father is singing the theme song from Full House to a garbage can while I eat an entire birthday cake.
I just accidentally hit share on pornhub... Probably the scariest moment of my life
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I'm the brains and you're the boobs of this operation.
That is cause you are some weird type of mutant that lives off of Alcohol.
I woke up to a stripper (who added me on Facebook) messaging me reminding me to cancel my card if I can't find it
WHAT KIND OF DEALER ONLY WORKS FRI-SUN???
Ours, apparently.
I was floored. Like way less concerned with him using drugs than I am with him not believing in evolution.
My parents are being so annoying about my colon.
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