I'm like a rollypolly, I only open my legs up when I feel safe.
i guess its officially winter break. i woke up alone and fully clothed this morning.
You took a fire extinguisher off the wall in the hallway to play Ghostbusters.
I found her in the bathroom licking her screwdriver off the floor. she said there was no way she was wasting a $6 drink.
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We were making condiment sandwiches, then her husband kept trying to get me to sleep with her. I hate being the only lesbian at the party.
No. I want him to marry me so we can spend our lives together. I also want a to-scale model of his genitals to mount above my fireplace
We ended not having sex. I didn't want to explain that I was wearing a Unitard because all my socks and underwear were dirty.
well... I just junk punched a carnie. Doesnt matter how, it still counts for my bucket list.
Just blew a guy who had the same phone case as me. It was destiny.
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Things I Learned Tonight: I have no future in goat wrangling. Herding. Whatever you call the ridiculosity that just transpired.
You insisted that your middle name was "velociraptor" for 20 minutes and every time someone said something you tried to relate it to velociraptors. That kind of drunk.
I am a figure skater. You should know better than to let me get drunk near any patches of ice during Olympics season.
Your trash is full of condoms and yoohoos what a great life we live
I'm pretty sure the guy on the dance floor with crutches just smacked me in the butt with one. Do you think he's flirting?
good morning. i just did a walk of shame in front of his grandmother.
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