he was so drunk he doesn't remember anything. I have to break up with him all over again
dude uncooked spaghetti noodles dipped in thousand island dressing is better than it sounds
She's the only person who can pull off turning an outdoor patio heater tower into a stripper pole.
promise me that when we are 32, we will look nothing like Kim Zolciak. Promise me right this instant.
Just tell your wife to stay in the car because you are self conscious about drinking infront of her. Now you have a DD AND we can still have a good time.
That's unfortunate. Distance can be a stoner's greatest enemy.
You make it sound like a battle for Middle Earth.
It was fun until the stripper told me it was her first day and started crying.
There are cops on horseback in our back yard
My bathing suit kept falling whenever I went under a wave and this kid caught on and kept checking them out so I told him nothing comes free $5 a boob
His water bottle is sitting on my coffee table like a monolith dedicated to the things he is not doing to my vagina.
Did I fall on/off the boat yesterday? Cuz my right leg looks and feels like if it got hit by shrapnel.
I couldn't fall back asleep it was too bright so I just took my sports bra off and put it over my eyes
I don't really want to talk about it, but if anyone finds my unicorn mask with my bra in it, I would really like that back.
I'm really ok with inappropriate relationships. They are my favorite of all the relationships. No need to be timid. For crying out loud.
I'm excited for him and his new girlfriend. I'm just going to miss his penis is what I'm saying.
Randomize
