if you are receiving this text, you are one of the people i hate
you gave the police officer your chanel wallet and said 'just keep it the i.d. is fake too'.
i've got to stop sleeping with short guys. they always turn into stage 5 clingers
I want to wear something that says I'm a lady (but I have condoms!)
Give us adventure or give us cock. Or cocktails.
Ahahhahaha I'm not that stupid but then again I thought cabo was in Africa until yesterday
Power went out. She lit a candle and gave me head. Made some pretty impressive candlelight cocksucking shadowpuppets. Must be what porn was like in olden times.
Boob shaped ice luge is ordered for my bday. Boom
I can't even drink.
The liquor comes out the nipples. Out. The. Nipples.
Even worse we were making a sex tape so our reaction to the condom breaking was recorded.
Was so close to hoppin on it but then I realize it's not a dick and I needed to keep walking. Primal instincts.
His gf just liked my changed relationship status. She's gonna shit bricks when she finds out he left her for me. Bless her little heart.
I associate the Game of Thrones theme song with his dick now.
The logic in me says "don't text him" .But the vagina in me says "text him".
He jerked off some dude with a slice of Wonder Bread.
The sports guy?
Yeah. They claimed the bread made it hetero
I walked in the kitchen and heard her saying "We could have been so good together" as she caressed an egg with her cheek.
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