Black Friday shoppers are ridiculous. I think I just watched a marriage end.
It's not just about fucking anymore... We decided we're actually in like now..
Just wandered into a surprise final. Only a surprise for me though. I wish I could say this is the first time this has happened.
The water bill last month was outrageous. We have got to stop fucking for hours in the shower
I hope no one at work will be able to read the "who wants body shots" on my chest. I forgot about it.
I am so 35 right now. Listening to REM, drinking red wine, and crying over an article about ecstasy in oprah magazine.
He pulled the pencil out of my leg and then we fucked. It felt sorta like pulp fiction in reverse.
Its like he woke the dragon, and the dragon is hungry for a good dick.
I didn't have toilet paper until 20 minutes ago. But I have champagne. Priorities.
Getting day drunk before work is perfectly acceptable when its 99 cent margaritas.
I have a fantastic sense of humor but being called a merman isn't funny
Where did you go?
I'm not really sure. They have flavored vodka. I like it and I'm never leaving. Ever.
These freshman guys were trying to holler at me from their window, and I realized about 20 minutes too late that the best possible reaction at that time would've been screaming "FLACCID PENIS". Oh, and I found this awesome zombie charm bracelet you would love.
I just saw a guy walking up the stairs with his dick out his pants. I let him know, and he just looked down in shock, laughed, and continued walking up the stairs.
Going to jail. Warrant. Be home late. For the love of god turn your ringer on.
Randomize
