Wanted to apologize for chris browning you when you were on my computer.
quadriplegic porn is always funny
no. no its not
i did the 'picked up item' thing from zelda when i jizzed on her face
so you're single again?
yea but it was worth it
can you take me to a tanning bed
sure, why though?
i have to go once so i can blame these herpes on the tanning bed and she won't get suspicious
While I was dancing with him in my foil dress he said, "You're like a Chipotle burrito. Don't worry, that's the best complement you could get from me."
i was so fucked up i thought i was at home depot
I fucked a 6'7 Danish man. In the ocean. At 5am. Greetings from Florida!
all im saying is that if he was a normal person, he would have fucked me by now.
Apparently I yelled "no stop it" in my sleep last night when he tried to cuddle with me.
Oops, guess its official. I just use him for sex.
You ninja crawled over five sleeping guys to get in my room at 6 in the morning to wake me up for sex
...and I think that may just be my favorite moment in our fuckbuddyship
Less adorably, the dog stared me down, yelping, while I gave him a morning blowie.
...and that's why girls with IBS don't paint their nails
All my friends are getting into relationships and going through breakups and I'm having Plan Bs and crunch wraps for dinner.
that moment you remember partying with someone several years ago.. and don't remember if you slept with them or not.
You're going to literally shit your fucking unholy pants when Jesus rides in with his dual light-sabers on his velociraptor and cleaves you in half.
Randomize
