I just spent my lunch hour driving around campus yelling "TRADE LIVES WITH ME!" to all the freshmen moving in
good thing vaginas are great cup holders
Even My mom was ashamed of me bringing her home, she pulled me aside, and told me i can do better than, "butter faces"
My new excuse for sleeping with him was in celebration of his cat's birthday.
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Yo dude either Brian has herpes or he was jerking off to Web MD 'cause I just walked in on him
THEY SHOULD WARN YOU WHEN THEY MAKE JELLO SHOTS WITH JACK DANIELS!!! THEY SHOULD WARN YOU!!!!!!!
I'm sure that's not what the inventers of the Turkey baster had in mind, but that's what I had in mine.
This is the first time I have ever hoped it's poison ivy on my cock
Next person that gets my dog drunk is paying to have my carpet cleaned. I am tired of getting up to pee and stepping in dog barf.
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the cops were hovering over him then shinned a flashlight to the floor above ours, then I realized that some fucker jumped from the third story.
fuck our hall.
Got super judged by this lady at the Rolling Stones concert last night. Bitch don't look so salty at my dad and I splitting two joints, an edible, and two margaritas. It's the stones.
I went to McDonald's this morning still half drunk with penises drawn all over my body, when my card was declined the cashier asked if I needed Jesus
so it took us like 45 minutes to get into the party.... then when we wanted to leave we were blocked and forced to stay.
....you got kicked INTO a party??
I would bite a mans dick off for a chocolate milk.
I felt kinda awkward walking into his house in nothing but lingerie and my dead grandmas overcoat