right as i was about to introduce them she goes "old fuck buddy, meet new fuck buddy."
my dentist asked me why my tooth was chipped, i told him i couldn't remember. i think he understands.
My choices this week make me realize that I need to copyright the term "cock buffet"
I woke up with a random mailbox in my room with a note that said "this should probably be returned. Happy Thursday!"
He gets creativity points for the hot sauce. But it may be awhile until my nipples forgive him
He was fucking her while he was wiping my tears.
It turns out tequila bombs is really code for straight shots of tequila…who would have guessed?
At one point they were sandwiching me, both petting my stomach, mad dogging each other. Then they somehow telepathically decided to both try to pull my pants down. Such nice guys.
I KNEW IT. I HAD A FEELING. THIS IS GODS CURSE. BREAK UP WITH A SEX GOD. GET ONE OF HIS PEASANTS.
But think about it. I could put her gold medal around my penis
I know I'm going to throw up tonight it's just a matter of when and where
I smoked a joint in the bathtub at 8 am then went back to bed
It has now been 10 days since we last saw Sebastians penis
From what I remember I had fun, until I threw up, and lost my shoes..
Moms love me. I'm the reminder that they need to turn safe search on.