Just got my rental car in Iowa...gas is under 2 dollars in des moines...this is not a real state
i just got fired from my job because i was "too smart" and my immedate response was i am WAY too stoned to be considered smart, and theni walked out the door.
wow. i have no words.
They just yellow carded someone for spilling a drink because it was a party foul. Love germans.
on the brightside, the semester can only get better from getting a dui at 8 am on the first day.
your optimism is becoming unhealthy
Well I tried to steal a golf cart. I fought with the Chick-Fil-A cow. And other things.
Well now that I've given all the athletes mono there goes our chance of winning any conference championship
i just saw the eighteen different ways i could die and only after that did i realize i'd made a poor decision
the bouncer watched the girl drop her ID, saw me pick it up and say OMG SHE LOOKS LIKE ME, and then let me use it to get into the bar
my drunken justification for peeing in her closet was that her shoes were ugly
We're in the emergency room. He concussed himself trying to pop all the bubbles on my "one bubble a day" wall calender with his face.
I think i just threw up blood. i can't chill right now;
I think they took out their livers years ago and replaced them with like cheese graters or something. Only explanation.
I woke up in an apt hallway this morning and a nice lady brought me coffee cause she thought I was homeless
Look I'm really high right now, and if I were to leave this house, it would be for the sole purpose of getting an ice cream sandwich. So can you please just do it.
We just FaceTimed and I put an Oreo in my vagina for him. Now he has to fly across the globe for me.
Randomize
