She made me add her as a friend on fb before she got into my bed... I sense a stalker
I've had enough of this chick, she wanted to cuddle after giving me a handjob. I feel like I'm in junior high
Could someone please kill snooki before she contributes to the gene pool.
I found the perfect eye liner, it passed the blow job test, no smudging!!
I can't decide who is the bigger alcoholic: you for opening that bottle of wine just now or me for hearing it in the other room over the air conditioner
He paid me $20 to swallow a baggie of glitter, which turned out to be the best decision I've ever made. My vomit has never been prettier.
I find out next week of the Australian was lying about his vasectomy or not. Keep your fingers crossed!
Should I have a moral quandary about Skyping topless with him while his son slept in the other room?
Pretty sure I'm about to get another tattoo. It'll have mom in there somewhere for Mother's Day.
New guy at work just gave me a Percocet for my headache. Officially best friends
I am going to piss jack daniels before daylight.
Daylight. It is daylight. Who will give you a ride back?
I hope no one. I want to walk and have a bus hit me.
I hooked up with a guy that had a beard last night felt like I was building a fucken log cabin
I know he's gay. But if he touches my vagina I'm human centipeding his face. Sorry not sorry
Wait, cocaine is okay but tanning isn't?
we should paint friendship bongs
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