At least I can take solace in the fact that with 8 billion some odd people in the world, at least one of them is shitting in their own car right now.
So instead of cumming in her, I peed in her...
What did she do!?
I didn't tell her...
I decided that not getting a job after college is gods way of telling me I will make a great housewife
Turns out I wasn't throwing up blood, I just threw up so hard it ripped my tonsils. Thank you Jameson.
I love that your last three texts to me were "Drunk." "Getting laid." "In the hospital."
I FEEL LIKE I CAN TAKE DOWN A FULLY GROWN MOUNTAIN LION WITH ONLY A POINTY STICK OH MY GOD
Are you up yet? I really want to know if i tried sleeping in a field... i have the vaguest memory of trying to
He laid on the ground 100 ft from the car crying about how he just wanted to be home already
It was like a square peg in a round hole... I've never seen one shaped like a stick of butter...
Look at the picture I MADE him take with me...like why??? He's holding my foot?
How's dinner? Come here? You can bring your boyfriend if you're ok leaving without him
You know you had a good time when you get the wheelchair treatment in Mexico back to your cruise.
We only initially bonded over boobs and sarcasm
Oh shit. My bra is undone and I'm pretty sure I peed on my sandal
Fuck you bitch. You're married. You got a live-in dick at home for your needs. I still gotta surf this shitty town's bars for cock
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