soooo.. i guess the cop said he'd drop the charges if i go to some AA meetings and i said fuck AA. not one of my better choices.
Oh my god. Just had sex with this girl on the boardroom table at my work at midnight (win!) just realized I left the condom wrapper on the table (lose!)
My mom just told me to drench my entire body in vodka for 20 minutes. I have never been this russian. no one has ever been this russian
Your clothes are in washers 2,3 and 4. I arranged by darks, whites, then frat... I'm not even joking
almost got into it with the cashier. bitch dont look at me like that just cuz im only buying wine and icing. ill fight.
You rang?
Saw a ginger and the first thing I thought of doing was yelling "you have no soul!" so I called you so we can yell it together with you on speakerphone.
I can't leave your house without my underwear spending the night.
We fucked on shrooms. It's like his dick was a beam of light and when I came I turned into a prism and my orgasms were made of rainbows.
I have meat and whiskey. will you bring condoms?
Well don't pass out under a Swedish flag and people won't make assumptions
I get stoned and write a 15 page history report in two hours. She gets stoned and cries because she "doesn't know which shade of pink is the real one".
A person can only vomit Fireball so much before they quit it forever
The worst part is there are all kinds of happy creatures out here like fucking snow white and i'm sitting in semi-dead grass, hungover with a burnt butt
Quit bitching. I brought you a muffin.
Not going to lie, when I looked in the tub I expected to see what might have been remnants of a squirrel.
Randomize
