my dad came in to wish me a happy birthday and found me passed out in my underwear with the lights on and a plate of meat on the bed. i bet he was proud to have contributed to my creation in that moment.
we were in your room and your mom was singing twinkle twinkle little star in the hallway. so you decided to scream "twinkle? TWINKLE! What Fucking little star?!"
Apparently 151 is to me what spinach is to popeye.
he threw up all over himself while laying down.. it was like watching old faithful, but with noodles and vodka
please don't text me until you can spell three letter words again.
Cops do not care. One just laughed and said "precious"
I'm starting to think I didn't bring enough liquor for this family Christmas.
It's 2 pm....
Also I stopped in the middle of the road and put my hazards on because BUNNIES WERE PLAYING
I made everything so magnificently awkward in under 15 seconds. I am magic.
He snapchatted me the wine on the ceiling this morning
Three Asian guys got on the elevator with a handle of Hennessey and a sleeping bag. This is not the start of a joke.
I HAVENT SEEN A PENIS IN 5 WEEKS I REFUSE TO REMAIN CALM
Hey. I hope you have enough room in your car for me and a Honda civic front bumper.
Shit day. Some kids decided to open my car at 3 AM while I was at work and the alarm went off. I went after them with a sword but they were minors so I didn't kill them.
I’m torn. She’s crazy - like legitimately “Wear your skin as a suit” crazy. But her blow jobs and dirty talk are Pornhub quality!
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