Are u religion class? I'm on my way, I have cum in my hair. tell u later.
Her sex list was a LOT longer than mine. She tried to justify it by saying '4 of those don't count because they were in the gang bang'.
found out the liquor store price matches. thus begins senior year of college
I'll come out for a little. I can't be visibly hungover at work again or I get written up and fired. And yes, I am aware of how alcoholic that sounds.
Whenever you feel bad about your life, just remember the time I tried to swim while high and thought for a minute I was genuinely drowning
So he ended up throwing a watermelon that he stole from the cafeteria saying "if i cant have it no one can" of the 5th floor.
He was having a "party in the princess castle." At what point do I blindfold him and take him to AA?
When have we listened to the rational side of either of us?!
I stole all of the toasting champagne and did an interpretive dance to "wind beneath my wings". I am literally everything you're not supposed to do at weddings.
But your showmanship is impeccable.
I wore heels to a golf store in hopes of getting laid. I've hit a new all time low.
I understand why animals eat their young in the wild after watching your kid this afternoon
I'm tired, but I'm gonna go with "I watched the debate last night and part of my soul died"
Fuck. I did it again. I plugged in my toaster and walked away thinking it needed to preheat. I am dumb.
If he has a beard, chances are, that’s an open invitation to sit on his face
Yoooooo, the fat magician married the chick I dumped a beer on after I got pissed he was flirting with her in front of me
Randomize
