i told the bartender last night that if the palace saloon made a calendar he would be every month.
i have a "get your shit together" dinner with my parents tonight. After that ill be down to party
I am still STD free so as far as I am concerned I never went to panama.
I just remember being happy that I got that toilet fixed so I had somewhere close to throw up
A part of me realizes this is a bad time to text. But I override it with my awesomeness
I just used a thesaurus to write a sext...
He made a playlist to use during sex...that ended with The Ultimate Warrior's entrance music.
I woke up with a thorn in my belly button. A THORN!
I was going to do a cardio thing but then tacos.
I completely forgot I gave up beer. But airports don't count. They're like international waters. No rules.
The fact that my boss lets me drink on my lunch break makes Mondays much easier.
That kid singlehandedly fucked the breakup right out of me. I'm only hooking up with Millenials from here on out.
Election Day 2016 shall forever live in infamy as the day when I hobbled through my neighborhood, mascara melting down my face, wearing one slipper and a cast, blood and cum all over my skirt, carrying a box of wine, and no one even noticed.
He sent me a dick pic from a port-o-potty in Boston. If that's not love Idk what is.
I just found a ladybug shell in my underwear. What was I doing last night?
Randomize
