I didn't talk to you tonight because I've decided you look like a man.
I wish I could drop acid with the muppets
I don't know where your sunglasses are, I was too preoccupied with girls not old enough to drive past midnight.
i'll prob lay in bed. its weird not having to track my wallet down, its become such a weekly habit. i suddenly have so much free time
Look you found him on craigslist. You should be happy that he at least HAS a normal looking dick.
If the boyfriend of the drunk girl you just met asks her if she made a "special friend" you're going to have a threesome. For future reference.
Ok but if you die you have to get "I should've listened to Mike" carved into your tombstone
He set two of my ex boyfriends on fire at two different bars without anyone knowing it was him or how it happened either time. He might be a fucking super hero
I mean, they were small fires and no one got hurt, but still. Awesome.
Male strippers are involved. You are coming
Why did I puke in my shower caddy last night
Is it considered a bad morning to find your boss half naked in the parking lot of work at 7am?
That depends, how hot is your boss?
I offered to give him "road head" while he played GTA 5. I think he will be more optimistic about date night in the future.
How does one tell their boyfriend they're pregnant with someone else's kid??
You're a mystery wrapped in an enigma wrapped in a redhead
We'll handle his penis the same way we handle day drinking; together.
Randomize
