Dude judst bought snd smokked tfour white widoew jointsd in Asmsterdam. Wstching the Cvhiefs gsme. Oh Boy.
You are why other countries hate Americans. But I say God bless you.
Buhtt sex?
Lady GaGa only went backwards in convincing me she's not a man at the VMAs.
I have one brief flash of having his dick in my hand. that's all I remember.
So I was gonna stay in tonight but the president got me motivated! I will not quit. Bars here I come.
I told you not to have sex with her on my futon
I didnt dude, i swear!
either that or you were eating mayo, which was the second thing i told you not to do on my futon
Hypothetically, how much legal trouble do you think i will be in for stealing someone's dog?
I know. I almost started crying. IN WHAT UNIVERSE IS THAT A TURN ON?!
What's sign language for "you may not be the father?" Kinda important right now.
I forgot to tell you, wear something you can puke on Saturday. We're christening this marriage with a shot of jager. NOT KIDDING.
My 7 yo sister is trying to talk my mom into buying her a strawberry margarita. Happy Cinco de Mayo.
IF THE GUY WHO I AM BORROWING OUR CAR FROM FINDS ONE CONDOM OR JIZZ STAIN IN THIS CAR HE IS GOING TO CASTRATE MY ASS. SERIOUSLY, DON'T FUCK IN THE CAR.
He said you asked to eat pepperoni off his dick and he thought it was weird
I mean I thought it sounded fun
An old biker dude just flirted with me at Food City. I enjoyed it. God damn I need to get laid.
Yep. The ghost of my sex life is in your house.
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