from now on my penis is your penis
dude i dnt kno how, but i think theres a tampon in my butt
I'm sorry for throwing the cheese everywhere, but it wasn't my fault. No one was enforcing disipline so not really my fault for not behaving
searching my car for your cum before I have to give my grandma a ride to the airport. Thanks for this
Oh I forgot to tell u. I hit someone with my car in the RiteAid parking lot. More like a nudge.
There's a skull full of vodka. How bad can it be?
If you hear screaming in the middle of the night, bat got loose. Call poison control immediately and explain rabies
Here's a tip. Don't party with someone that needs sexual attention. Drinking and sexual attention don't mesh well in the morning. Especially over a bowl of Cheerios.
You forgot your "boyfriend" from last night on my couch. You're suppose to bring that shit with you.
you said you would race him to taco bell but you slipped in the parking lot and just laid there, crying
Just found a condom on my floor from last weekend. 2/2. The scavenger hunt is over.
Babe.. You are farting in your sleep and it literally smells like something crawled up your asshole and died.. I'm gagging and I feel like I'm eating your fart right now. I want to tape your ass cheeks shut and plug up that canon you call your ass. All I hear is snores and farts.. You are lucky I love you
I like how you were offering me $50 last night to come home with you to take care of you and your dog
So... How much of our rent is drug money?
How I know that I'm single: when I get a save the date for a wedding & I read "& guest" my first thought was does my bottle of Jack Daniels count.
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