i told him my stretch marks were scars from a jellyfish sting........he totally bought it
I just ran from Santa Claus in Kroger
Do you think anyone has ever tried to have sex with a cows udder before?
Springtime is officially here. I just used pool water to fill up the bong
The last thing i remember is saying breakfast beer and carrying the keg to my room and locking the door.
We don't have a ruler. Come downstairs and lay in the snow with a boner so we can see how much snow we've gotten. Put your 8 inches to a less shameful use.
When I left you were in the shower in your socks throwing up screaming it was blood but it was "ok" cuz it's recyclable. By the way it was kool aid.
There is not greater feeling than lying to your boss and leaving work to shit in the comfort of your own home
Girl. There is the cutest old gay here. He's approximately 100 years old and kind as shit.
I would like to request a high five for getting laid while wearing crocs and a crab hat.
Dude, did you know, your blood is contaminated with over 17 non-beer fluids?
I will now send you explicit pics of mine and her genetalia bound together forever in the devils dance that is sexting.
I really want some funfetti cake but I feel like its more socially acceptable to go out and drink
Last night you broke a mirror, and then rolled around in the glass shards. Miraculously, there's not a scratch on you...
I just gave my boss a blowjob. underneath his desk at work. that promotion is mine!
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