I hit 10,000 texts this month.. I think my grandkids have carpal tunnel.
woman puking in liquor store parking lot at 9:30 on a tuesday morning = best commute ever.
He used my blackberry to make a voice recording of me orgasming, then set it as my ringtone while I was sleeping. I discovered this during a staff meeting this morning.
He grabbed onto my boobs while slipping on ice then proceeded to drag me down with him I'm not predicting head in his future
Well, as a member of the greater american southwest gay community I just have to mark this as a total loss and you will be missed.
I just witnessed my first non cocain induced sunrise in five years.
Not my cup of tea
If I was 5 years younger and single...
She STILL wouldn't fuck you.
Dude, where are you?
In back
of car
... whose car?
I woke up with a hangover and a man bun. Reached over to drink water and accidentally chugged raspberry vodka. So there's that.
You can't die you're my only democrat family member
Are you alone?
No, but I have to leave him in my bed while I go on this date.
sometimes i just have a bad day n consider lowering my standards
Bold words for someone NOT on a unicycle
We left an ass print on the conference room table, but I don’t think anyone caught on
Apparently his ex was into edging and did it to him so much that it takes forever for him to cum
I hate you and your multiple orgasm sexcapades
Randomize
