Well, I'm eating cake, watching wedding videos of people I don't know, and crying. Clearly I'm a vision of mental health today
I wonder if she thought to herself "I'm gonna sleep with that guy tonight" when she watched me puke on the bar at 3 in the afternoon?
I mean, how many people can say they helped surgically remove something from their body? Other than the guy that got his hand stuck under a rock and cut it off. Doesn't count
Hey, this is a mass text. I have a hospital bill from November, and I don't know from what. Did anyone bring me to the hospital on a drunken night that I don't remember...?
There is a dude in a thong with a Nerf axe having battles in the street. Welcome to Portland
I'm 50% weirded out and 50% into it
We had an in depth conversion about the best way to take a dick pic. Both with and without mirrors.
Got paid 100 bucks to babysit a kid for five hours while hungover. I slept the whole time and threw up twice. Yes 100 bucks.
Killing two birds with one stone tonight: mastrabation meditation. Win win.
Just bought a gingerbread house kit and pregnancy tests. Happy holidays.
It's amazing what a couple of orgasms can do for a girls demeanor.
He and his ex stood there talking about going to get Chinese food while I was half naked searching for my panties
Hiding in a kitchen with no pants orange juice abs a pillow...please joun
I haye tequella
Got wasted in a little tiki hut by the beach yesterday. Woke up with a coconut and half of a mushroom burger in my purse. I also have a picture of our Romanian bartender's fingernails on my phone lol
Why do you always wake up with meat in your purse?
You don't need yoga. You need a boyfriend! Trust me I've become all sorts of flexible this past year.
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