your dad just showed up on the golfcart with a keg. i. love. our. neighborhood.
Just flooded the bathroom while masturbating in the shower. Managed to squeege most of it up. Desperately need to get laid.
How many weeks is it acceptable until I can start bringing freshman back?
I wore a firefighters hat and drank beer all night. They had to drive me home after breaking the beer pong table, they told me I was welcome back tonight though...
Just woke up to find myself in a random bed with two people next to me having sex. I thought it would be awkward to just suddenly get up so i think I'm gonna lie here and pretend I'm still sleeping.
We are without power. He took ALL the lightbulbs out and hid them.
It's a delicate game of how much porn can I look at without the other interns noticing.
All I remember is laying in that secret hideaway closet, naked, with a beer cowboy hat on and you walking in and sitting down crying because no one would have sex with you
Last night turned out to be an expensive trip to your house between the ticket and the plan b. (Well I haven't gotten that yet)
So apparently I was a completely different person lastnight, one who drinks scotch and makes out with 55 year old men who look like inspector gadget
She actually purred while I was balls deep in her! I have never been so proud to buy plan b at 6:30 in the morning.
To me, you're the Patron Saint of good music and handjobs
It was extremely weird and uncomfortable mid blow job she looks up and says " tell me Simon Cowell makes your dick hard"
My sex life reached a new low tonight: we stopped into this bar so I could pee and when I got out of the bathroom my parents had ordered a round for us and this traveling nurse they met and were trying to run game for me. Saddest part? She was actually going for it.
Every time I see this chick she's swimming naked at a pool party. That's gotta mean something right?
Randomize
