don't go home with that guy from jersey
i know, not worth the blood test
These people need to leave so I can have rum and Doritos at work like every other American.
i havent thrown up in four monthes, im clearly not drinking enough
I literally just saw a campus policeman riding a Segway pull over a moving car. you should just give up.
You do realize that you're sleeping with a man who is part of a gay harem, right?
Ryan learned the all important lesson tonight; Red Bull gives you wings, Jaeger gives you gravity.
We're at the urgent care down the street from you if you care to stop by
I just remembered you throwing bread at me and getting me to drink water out of a heineken bottle. You are my best friend.
I thought the Bane mask would really repel dudes but instead I ended up grinding on a frat dude that whispered "bad bitch contest, you in first place" in my ear in a Batman voice
Sending dick pics while driving a car going 80 in the rain at night to a married woman? Why hello 2014
Its like drunk me is Oprah except instead of a car everyone's award is seeing my boobs
Because I'm sitting in a bath of my own wisdom and drowning my sorrows in coconut rum
So Saturday night after 10 drinks I guess he tried to have sex with me and in the middle of it I asked "can you tell I'm faking it!?" and then I sat up and threw up in my hand. That's a sex Win in my books
He just jumped up off the couch, screamed "ITS OVER NINE THOUSAND!" And then attempted to fly out the window like a bird. I don't know nor do I care to know what just happened
He told me their parents think of me as the "drunk friend"...oddly enough, I'm ok with that
Grandpa just whipped it out and started pissing on the way to the game stuck in traffic. I saw EVERYTHING. :(
Randomize
