So my roomate was sunbathing this morning on the porch with a sock covering his penis
Sounds like a really classy character....
He is classy. It was argyle.
I will one day have loud vengeance sex as my revenge against you. Until then I'm just going to sit in the living room playing John Mayer while you're trying to do it.
going to class early so i have time to go on the moonbounce. this is why i go to art school.
I wanna tell red shirt guy I'm pregnant and use the abortion money for Coachella.
Soooo how am i supposed to explain to my mom that i was admitted to the hospital but you kidnapped me within 20 minutes?
She ditched her BF in the library to come see me wasted at a house party and i still ended up banging that rugby chick instead.
Apparently, Mom was less-than-happy about us shotgunning beers before we opened presents.
we have to top last new years. except im not ready for jail. that can wait a couple years
I'm not sure that our 12-years-ago-high-school-"relationship," and 179 texts in the last 4 hours is gonna be enough to squeeze a naked smartphone picture of me. I'm gonna need some chicken wings or Makers Mark before that starts happening.
Excuse me, but I got friendzoned and all I could think about was the fact that I didn't have my underwear back on yet.
Just had a serious discussion with my ex-boyfriend about sexy nurse vs. sexy teacher. So score one for friendship I guess.
Started the 4th with a foursome. I don't know if it gets more festive than that. #MERICA
I spent the entire night stroking his hair. He was cool with it. Never thought a ginger stoner would help me work through my social anxiety but here we are.
we're spending all day in bed drinking spiked eggnog and fucking
Next time I say "i forgot to eat dinner, oh well" before drinking STRAP ME TO A CHAIR AND FORCE FEED ME BEFORE ALLOWING ME TO CONSUME BOOZE
Randomize
