he was wearing sponge bob boxers. Guess how long he lasted.
the real housewives of new jersey finale is tonight. it makes me wish we had pot.
she tossed me in the back of the car and said "god gave u the gift of life and I wanna swallow it"
Dude my triple a card is good for bail. This is like a real live get out of jail free card
so i may have indirectly taught my 13 year old campers how to give blowjobs.
I can hear her blowing you man. All I hear is her saying 'yeah' over and over again.
Is it hot in here? Is the room moving? Its moving. The room is moving. Its spinning like a top. Have you ever been covered in puke? What are you doing?
I caught them hiding behind a car trying to have sex.
I apparently started to text you last night. All it said was 'the whole clam'. I hope that means something to you.
So we get back to the hotel room and Tom strips off his clothes... His first sexual act as my fiance? Helicopter dick. I gave him a high five.
I overcharge people for their weed so you can have yours for free, because I care
Sorry if that was awkward, i will never call you sober ever again
Dude, you need to come and get her. She's sitting on the bathroom floor making hearts with her menstrual blood. And remind me never to let her do jello shots again
why is there glitter IN my vagina????
I woke up with an empty beer bottle in my slipper and a note that said "it just wants to be warm"
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