Just found two Xanax on the floor at the tanning bed. And yes, Im taking them...looks like going to get cancer is paying off
His dick looked like E.T.'s finger. It scared me.
Make sure to show her the sewer we were arrested in on your tour.
ALTON JUST DID GRAVY SHOTS. THIS IS WHY HE'S MY HERO
I was making out with him, and then his friend randomly took off my pants and started going down on me. My first semi-threesome was a success.
I tried to force my roommate into a sink last night. And I almost won.
Your life is one shit show away from being a lifetime movie.
i just added a shot of fireball to my iced coffee. goodbye sobriety.
I guess I just don't understand how the two main issues with your ex involve a cock ring and a Christmas tree
This wine tastes amazing. It's like a fermented hug.
I just ate the lyft drivers bacon cheeseburger. Well fuck me this night escalated quickly.
You kept licking me last night.... and said I tasted like jello. Next time, lay off the jello shots, okay?
I’m turning 34 on Friday and I feel like the only thing I’ve accomplished in life so far is getting into pissing matches with clients
I don't want to go to sleep. I like partying with myself.
He was so drunk last night. He woke up out of a dead sleep at 330am, walked over to the dresser, opened his middle drawer and proceeded to pee. When I woke up and asked him Wtf he was doing, he told me it was fake pee and blamed it on the cat...we don't have a cat
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