why are there goldfish crackers all over my bed?
you decided you wanted to name them & keep them as pets.
are you serious?? is your clit as sensitive as your emotions
i wish
my sex list reads like a who's who of mcdonald's general managers
All i remember is people cheering me on to drink faster than the dog, out of the dog's bowl. I just couldn't stop.
so I'm coping with getting the "I'm not over my ex" bomb dropped on me by getting drunk and yelling at people while wearing a purple princess hat
Update is I am officially king of Gettysburg. Tam and I are being threaded like royakt. In bought e ruined a drink
Remind me not to get naked underneath a tree I'm allergic to again.
She had cheddar bay biscuits in her purse. Biscuits, Id and cash. I'm gonna marry her.
My mind's like "He's a sexist pig" but my uterus is like "YOU SHALL BEAR HIM STRONG CHILDREN"
Any chance the bar is open now? Also who's wedding is this?
Just threw up in the trash can at my desk. I guess "beating the hangover" eventually leads to this.
Stop calling me, Mom. I'm in his closet. You're gonna blow my cover and I'm about to catch this lying SOB.
HIS DICK IS SO AWESOME DUDE. 15/10 SURPRISE
Tinder date just called. I was supposed to be there 30 minutes ago but I'm on a 27 game win streak in Park...?
Fuck that man! Tell her your dog died or something. Reschedule that shit, you can't stop 2K at a time like that. Ball is life bro... Priorities.
I'm not going to waste the next hour of my life writing a diplomatic email explaining that she's bitch. I have Parks and Rec to watch.
Randomize
