I swear to god I'm with a high end prostitute right now and shes the most interesting person I've ever met. She just took me in to share an evening.
And as an added bonus she seems to have gotten a blood stain out of my favorite t-shirt
i barely touched his dick and all of a sudden he yells, "BONER!"
All I seem to do lately is get myself off, take naked pictures and drink beer. I don't know if thats a good or bad thing.
Every time I hit my bowl my neighbors set off fireworks... I stop, they stop. I start again, they start again. Too high for this.
I literally just wielded a katana to save a child's life. What did you do today?
When I finally got there you were bleeding all over and you just kept saying over and over that the dog was your only friend at the party.
I knew it would get worse when I said I think your roommate is watching and he looked over at him and said ... So?
You slid down the bannister into a split. Lines were crossed.
Dude. It's not even nine. I don't know yet.
Drink number four. Don't even tell me about its not even nine
If you two are having sex, stop. I have something really important to ask you about psychics.
So last night I turned down multiple drinks because "I didn't want to hold them". It's time reevaluate my decisions
When we were having sex last night, I told him I would replace him with tacos
The CEO is puking on the sidewalk and the HR director just offered me coke. Engineers have the best parties
It wasn't my fault.
You let her suck your neck. Yes it was your fault.
On the plus side, he ate me out and gave me an orgasm. But he also talked about robots during sex and mispronounced it like the dad in the goldbergs and called them “robits”
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