dude, osama threatened the US again
dude. i slept with your sister last night
what?
I saw that as an opertune moment to drop some big news
I just puked into a plastic bag at a red light. Go me.
We're playing Edward Bottle-of-eight-dollar-sale-wine-hands now
we seriously had to hang a plastic bag on his ears so he could throw up right into it.
The only thing worse than cracking my rib on a slip and slide was having the doctors laugh when they found out in my medical history that I did this exact same thing last summer.
Just realized I'm marrying a man that's never gone down on me. What happened to my priorities?
Does peppermint hummus sound good or am I just high?
Did we almost burn down the bar last night? I guess flaming shots were a bad idea.
It's all good, I've hated people for lesser reasons than being my ex boyfriend's favorite pro athlete of all time
I bruised my dick hopping over that fence last night
And my nipple is sore from him biting it. That is not a complaint.
I took a yellow and pink pill, all of a sudden my sex drive is back, and for some reason all I wanna do is fuck Amish dudes
Good God, I miss doing unknown drugs with you.
You continued to run around saying "free the nipple" while "taste testing" every liquor on the premises.
Apparently I blamed my BAC on the Saint Louis Cardinals...how is that not a valid excuse?!
I accidentally mass texted his dick pic. Not only to my friends, but to my dad as well...
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