and I didnt even know his name until this morning when we were laying in bed and he referred to himself in the 3rd person.
i woke up this morning cuddling with a 3 foot statue of Jesus. heaven here i come
There is still throw up in my sink from before break. God I missed this place
She got subburned last week and her bikini ties in the middle...when I took off her shirt, there was a sunburned bow between her boobs. Like a present. Happy birthday to me!
She was mid-sentence and then BOOM the hammock broke off the tree. I about pissed myself. Hot Sprite and Vodka make the world go round.
She's going to get preggers, drop out of school, and end up working at mcdonalds. Great for our mcdoubles habit but bad for her future.
Nuts. Absolutely nuts. she just screamed in my face something about not knowing whats happening and then got tackled by a dude
Me and this 7 year old almost finished a large pizza. And when I say me and this 7 year old I really mean me.
He came over to use the microwave, said he needed to heat up some urine.
just tried to scoop ice cream with a steak knife. now in the emergency room with a the cab diver and the drag queen he picked up on the way. its gonna be a loooong day.
I told two kids in their homecoming outfits to use a condom because of Ebola. I may have saved a life last night
To be fair I went my whole first week without showing up to work drunk!
We need to get Harry and Lloyd's tuxedos from Dumb and Dumber. I feel like this is a vital thing that is missing from our lives.
Oh my god, my vagina is cursed. He's cursed my vagina so that no one but him can maintain a boner around me. I'm sure of it.
Last night you were throwing up in my toilet singing "all by myself."
Randomize
