One of the cleaning ladies on my floor just screamed from the bathroom
i think i recognize dicks better than faces
the girl next to me in class is drinking a margarita out of a slurpee cup. i know your going to ask how i know its a margarita and the answer is i can smell the tequila. i never want to leave this place
He keeps trying to sell me the forks from his kitchen drawer
i'm sick of coming in second next to bourbon.
I just compared drinking to love. How do these people not know I'm an alcoholic?
Apparently, I showed up wrapped in caution tape and immediately jumped on the stripper pole and started making very sexual gestures at the birthday girl. We lasted ten minutes.
Called the cops on a high school party then went in after all the kids ran away and took the rest of the beer. What are you doing tonight?
Withdrawals are gods way of saying "you're still my bitch"
His new place is a molesden. Like a hole in the ground. It's frightening how oddly private it is.
It rubs the lotion on it's foreskin...
Best thing she said after I kicked her out "rugby guys have single handedly ruined my faith in men"
You threw your body across the gross couple hooking up on the couch and demanded they scratch your back. I love you drunk on peach schnapps
I just rolled a blunt at my desk. Happy early Friday!
true. but still. you know how big of a sucker i am for a penis and a pretty face.
I stole a block of cheese from the party last night and put it in my purse but I got so drunk that I left my purse on the floor and my dog ate it.
Randomize
