His mom just described him as a manipulative, deceitful bastard -- oddly I still want him
Do you remember that blonde girl he brought home from the bar on Friday night? She didn't leave until Monday afternoon. We didn't even know she was still in his room...what a sketchy weekend.
It was the third Sunday in a row that I woke up in his bathtub. So no our sex life isn't that great anymore.
You coming home soon, man?
HENBARSCLOSE
Lots of rum and cokes. Bartender wore my underwear on his head. Lost my keys. Accidentily started a fight. DC is going to kill me
The horrors my penis has endured I wouldn't wish upon any man.
Somehow ended up home, probably had something to do with the makeshift ladder from my second story window. Now headed to church, still drunk, and still fighting back the vomit of a thousand different alcohols. Successful night.
I asked her why she named her vibrator Lorenzo and said it was the name she started screaming her first time.
Look, as flattering as it is, I'm getting a little tired of being everyone's go-to girl for a threesome.
You don't know weird until you've had a musical wet dream about your older brother.
But if I live with you I'll help pay rent. Only if you promise no 50 shades of what the fuck internet hookups
He wants another date...I mean he's cute, but I just am not ready to give up my glamorous single-girl lifestyle here.
you mean the one where you drink out of the carton and don't wear pants?
Yeah, and pee with the door open. It's the little things.
Googling enemas while I get a pedicure ... My life in one senence
I just want cinnabon and vodka.
I'm sorry I couldn't bail you out, apparenty they dont take credit cards over the phone. Did you at least make any friends in jail?
Randomize
