You woke up in the middle of the night and told me we won the sweepstakes, the penis sweepstakes.
once she started licking the door on the stall, i got out of there and told her bf "this is your problem now" and walked away
THERE ARE SO MANY GREAT DICKS IN THE WORLD. HOW DID I NOT DISCOVER THIS SOONER!?
He stopped in the middle of us having sex and asked "is today Monday?" then went even faster
21 Ladies Confess The Grossest Things They Do When No One’s Around
Fortunately for myself I'm twice as smart and half as drunk as everyone else. All things considered I'm leaving here three-to-five times richer than when I arrived.
She literally got down on all fours and I swear did a 360 degrees head rotation exorcist barf...and then moaned IT WAS THE TACO BEEEELLLLLL
so no, not her best night
Dude, you need to man up. You passed out before a PRESEASON game. It's a long season.
ALWAYS CAPS LOCK. IS THERE EVER A SITUATION THAT DOES NOT CALL FOR CAPS LOCK? NO.
Sexting? Sexting in caps lock seems rather unnerving.
I WANT YOUR BODY AND I WANT IT NOW.
I rest my case.
Well yes he stayed. He brought Guiness, them he shaved me. It's a long, but beautiful story.
23 Tweets I Thought Were Really Funny When I Was Drunk Yesterday
No like you've drunkenly persistently tried to take your shirt off in the middle of a park filled with children. You had already thrown your bra at my crotch.
Found the cure to anxiety attacks.
I just want to make out with him forever
You were on the train yelling, "THIS TRAIN NEEDS TO GO FASTER SO I CAN GO HAVE SEX WITH MY BOYFRIEND!!!"
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He tried to kiss me in the middle of hooking up... it was a deal breaker. I got off him and left.
So making out with chicks at the bar is fine and dandy, but your booty call can't kiss you? You have the strangest fucking rules...