I lost my shoes and bra and was beyond mapquesting
seriously iPhone. stop autocorrecting all my fucks into ducks. you're making all my strong worded texts look harmless and adorable.
Do you know a sam ****, im at the bar right now and lookin for some dirt on her to guilt trip her in to sex
he doesn't care that i have a boyfriend so why should i?
logic in its finest
aaaannd alcoholism beats pride. it's like grown-up rock, paper, scissors
A piece of cheeseburger just fell between my tits. Consider this a "wish you were here" postcard.
I think its pretty common. 1 out of every 4 people probably have a stripper's phone # in their phone.
also, add "teaching boys to sext" to my charity work
I had to assert my dominance as Alpha Drunk.
I went to bed at ten on a Friday night I have virtues to spare
I woke up still drunk to a beautiful tattooed columbian man making me pancakes. How's your memorial day?
So you are wearing a heart monitor while drinking?
Yea, they said carry on with my everyday activity.
She literally took off her shirt and ran out of the bar. When she ran back she smashed into the glass door with her face....That's got to be the best way to celebrate your 30th.
I opened the door, threw up on the street, wiped my mouth and flashed a thumbs up to all of the cars behind us and kept on driving
Wait, I'm confused. I EMPTIED the bottle? as in consumed it? I'm impressed with myself.
Randomize
