i haven't been laid since the bush administration. it's frustrating.
Some advice for success: 1) Go ugly early, it saves you time and money; 2) If you can't pork a princess, pound a pig for practice; and 3) Beauty is only a light switch away.
ur like the dr phil of bizarro world.
Problem: At home sick with a stomach virus. Solution: smoke weed all day...
im vomiting on the 4th floor cause no one knows me there
Her birthday cake consisted of a shot of tequila with a candle in it
The fact that he is from Canada is way more embarrassing than the fact that you met him on match.com
I've been alternating between telling people I was mauled by a bear or hit by a car to explain the massive unexplainable bruise on my leg. Slightly more worried now that the car idea is believable.
Bible prof is the guy I made out with at the gay bar on the fourth. He doesn't remember.
Something about getting whistled at in my work clothes while crossing the street with three Nuvarings in my back pocket feels wrong.
They want yo temporarily sterile ass.
yeah, never be friends with someone with shitty eyebrows.. they obviously already make poor life choices
I woke up with broken tostitos all over my bed and a snap chat of myself flipping off the camera.
We can get drunk and battle coyotes
I bought a mink out of the back of some guy's van on my walk home from the bar yesterday
He smoked and I was tired so left before we did anything. I literally left him high and dry.
ugh i want to get waxed but I’m afraid. my vagina has had enough trauma this week, i don’t know if I can put her thru any more.
I seriously thought Satan had his hand up my asshole and was pulling out my soul. Never. Again.
Randomize
