Just made out with a pet sitter. His biz card says "even hamsters". Lowest point in my life.
I feel like ignoring a facebook event is a lot like a pocket-veto. The only difference is instead of opposing legislation, I don't want to go to your sketchy party.
I'm giving you permission to use the abortion money to pay for your DUI.
when she said she would show you her other bow, she ment she wanted you to bend her over and see the tattoo on her lower back you idiot
23 People Noticed Deal Breakers in Their Partner A Little Too Late
I think the phrase "baptist college" should be an oxymoron.
Dude. He only had one testicle. It was like his whole package was a Muppet Show character coming at me.
Ladies, we have an appointment at David's Bridal aurora this coming Sunday at 3pm. And an appointment at where ever tequila is served at noon.
welp wont be popping out a kid with a beret. frenchie is gone and the mother nature showed herself. bilingual kid can be erased from the bucket list
And your cousins porn shouldn't have been the first straight porn you watched. And for that I am sorry
23 Millennials Confess The Things They Wish They Weren’t Attracted To
I'm too stoned to come over for sex
Yes that is a Krispy Kreme doughnut on my cock
I'll be right over
She's going to be the first to die of too much illness. Not even super bad stuff like cancer but like for having a cold at the same time as a sore throat and chlamydia or something. Just too much diseases.
I rubbed his back while he puked for an hour and then ended up getting laid when I tried to put him to bed, best puke and rally I've ever seen.
I will have to bone him sometime between now and July so he will move all my shit again
What has my life come to that I have to spank someone in morse code?
All I remember is allowing my uber driver to pull over on the side of the road to give me a massage. I was alone