I'm eating my dinosaur chicken nuggets in the order they would die in the food chain.
Broke up w/ my married coworker...work is gonna get weird.
sooo....i just remembered that someone fed me a pretzel out of their purse at the bar last night.
Just had to buy plan b w/ my robotic baby from family living.. Awkward.
So I hear you're taking over showing your penis responsibilities now that I'm gone?
The silhouette of his dick looked like an eagle. Amurrican.
That works. I won't care. I'll be a mermaid. Mermaids don't give a fuck.
Especially drunk mermaids.
If you really loved me, you'd support my weed habit.
As the person who squeezed you out of my vagina, the answer is no.
I can't wait for you to tell me about your sex.
It's a short, short story.
I found out my butt plug has a metal core at the airport security checkpoint...
Are you okay?
I went home with a 38 year old guy in a kilt, do I look okay!
I got poked in the eye with a penis last night. How's your day?
I just got CPR certified, don't make me need these skills so soon
I'm sitting naked on my bathroom floor and it remind me of us.
That's my way of saying I miss you
Last night I was the DD and was trying to drop off some chick I didn't know at her place. The closest thing to an address I got was "where the goldfish go."
Randomize
