I hate you but I'm not in hate with you
so the chest pain/shortness of breath/overdose guy we just took to tm hospital is now running down market street from the police in a gown holding his iv.
WTF????????? That's how you tell me????
Oops typo. Jake cried.
I woke up this morning next to some guy. I was horrified, he woke up and said, "the white tiger strikes again!"
Here’s Everything Coming To Netflix This July
thats the last time i clean cum out of my retainer.
I'm gonna die fat and alone and all they will find is pizza crusts
I don't think I have ever been told that I am "probably too drunk to pet the stingrays" by a cop before.
Listen, you can whine about not having a "red" wine glass, or you can suck it up and chug it from the vase like the rest of us. The choice is yours.
If I don't end up being a booty call for Valentine's Day, you wanna go to the movies?
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He's in the hospital yelling at his brother to at least have stuck something "normal" up his ass.
I don't know man, I have to ask my girlfriend if I can borrow my balls from her purse.
Who shows up to work two weeks ago still drunk and freshly high on blow and gets a promotion and a raise? This girl. Good at business. Super good at being fucked up.
I have a rash on my arm from the cat litter. Think the cat will be mad that I peed in its box?
If I get a 4.0 I am doing SO much cocaine.
He wants to buy us a microwave. Clearly the man is going to fix my life.