you called me at 4 in the morning to tell me that your toaster burnt your english muffin, and that you "fuckin hated that thing."
I have some memory of taking a dump in a guitar case.
Looking for the remote in the couch. Finding Adderall beads. Considering utilizing.
Is this girl REALLY making a smoothie in the bathroom right now?
New York to be Host to America’s Biggest Singles Event
Definitely need to find a less healthy bootycalls. All this bitch got in her fridge is feta, English muffins and wheat grass. What the fuck can I make with that???
Found 2 Coors, problem solved.
I'll just have to do enough fangirling for the both of us. Nipples engaged.
How on earth did you break your wrist?
I went into someone's yard so I could pee and I found a tireswing
You remember the guy they called Meat in high school? Well, let's just say my vagina remembers him now.
I think I just cured my dogs munchies
Kylie Jenner Wasn’t in the Kardashian X-Mas Cards & the Internet is Losing it
What's your ideal size in a man?
I just asked if you could cover my shift tomorrow......
ted dressed as a cardinal led an expedition across campus. i felt like one of the 12 apostles.
You didn't throw up on me, you threw up on yourself and then tried to give me a hug
Hey! you should come over!
Who is this? The number is saved as "Sexy Awesome"
Her cat was breathing in my ear all night, like that kid from Hey Arnold.
However many condoms you have, it isn't enough.