11am puke and rally. THIS is what I'm gonna miss about college.
I told him he was my first gentile. He was so flattered.
After New Year's Eve I will be hibernating my life away. Only wake me up for skiing, schnapps, and sex. In that order.
The pregnant Hooters waitress told me to "make good choices".
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Yeah, I probably scared him away when I drunkenly told him we'd have beautiful children
You know I told you about that hammering at 3 AM yesterday? Turns out it was Holly beating the lock out of her door with a mallet because she'd forgotten her keys.
Doesn't she keep a spare?
Drunk Holly doesn't listen to Sober Holly's plans.
Well, I've taken the art of car peeing to new heights
Just so you know, classy bitches change the morning after in a CVS bathroom.
My heart is swelling with pride right now. I fucking love you.
It wasn't your birthday, you weren't supposed to be the drunk one
When people keep buying you drinks at the bar because they like you, you can't say no to them
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In all honesty the person most likely to secretly slip me drugs would be ... Me
You left a bit of molly on the table and my mom found it. She asked what it was, I said "not drugs"
She believed me because "leaving that much behind on the table would be a waste so obviously it's not drugs."
That is cause you are some weird type of mutant that lives off of Alcohol.
YO CONGRATULATIONS ON YOUR MÉNAGE À TROIS. YOU GO, GLENN COCO
He sent me a dick pic, and it had smeared lipstick on it. So I sent him the pic of my tit with the hickey ring your brother gave me.
You were so drunk Last night you asked for your glasses so you could read the directions on a band aid
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