dude you need to get laid
me?
no, the other guy who hasn't been laid in 7 months
oh I thought you were talkin about me
wait
If you're missing hair this morning, i'm sorry in advance
Yeah but the gay hasidics turned out to actually just be real gay hasidics
I was greeting people at my door feeding them jello shots out of an ice cube tray with a spoon.
So his "youporn" cam totally caught me stealing quesadilla leftovers.
This from the guy I found eating salad out of a pot lid in his boxers on his porch last night.
I think my uterus is still laying in your bed somewhere under the covers.
That's the kind of break up sex that keeps couples together. Damn.
Thanks for your number, i want to ski with you, do party with you and sleep with you. Lucas.
Nothing quite says Coachella like me doing high yoga in the middle of a field by myself
Just listened to a full Christian rock song, loved it,listened to the dj send a prayer to a 4th grader who was having a tough year and realized I'm high as fuk
My sunday was babysitting three big, drunk, crying Swedes. Unless your day involved four or more giant drunk swedes I don't want to hear about it.
Going to put that on my resume. "Only accidentally snapchatted my titties to all of my friends once."
I mean seriously...It's like the universe is saying "your vagina is closed, move along"
He asked if we were going to take advantage of his drunken state. When we said no he tired to show us what we were missing out on. It was so sad it almost made him cute.
Randomize
