I just watched the quarterback of Purdue get shut down by a girl at a bar. not a good omen
Me + Nice restaurant + Copious amounts of booze + obscene comments to couples = valentine's day plans
stop changing my ringtone to people fucking, it looks bad at work
I think I slept in the cheesecake last night. Either that or I had a wet dream. Whatever happened I need to wash my pants.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
You stuck your entire fist into a full jar of peanut butter and starting assaulting people
This will never work out with him unless I somehow learn how to unhinge my jaw like a python.
I just had a flashback to the three of us in the bed and me shouting AM I THE BIGGEST OR LITTLEST SPOON?!
I have vodka and explosives. For once, we can blow something up that isn't a blow-up doll.
Now I have to set an alarm for less than 6 hours from now to wake her up, get her showered and get her to her first day of tutoring a kid from her church. WTF is my life?
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
He has started theming his dick pics. I have one he sent his duck has a sombrero on. Another a Barbie is riding it.
If I make it home without being sick in this captain's hat it will be a fucking miracle.
So red wine goes with eggs, right? Because that's all I have in the house to cook and the drinking options are either wine or scotch
I've only fucked to 2 Fleetwood Mac songs, that must be why my life feels so empty.
I accidentally mass texted his dick pic. Not only to my friends, but to my dad as well...
theres a canoe in our lawn. we dont own a canoe.
it was the only safe place
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