that speech was about as successful as her performance in twilight
Believe it's possible to jerk off while watching the food network.
I just opened a bunch of old flavored condoms just to see what they tasted like.
I pretty much gave up on you when you told me you couldn't go home yet b/c you had to stop at church first. It was 2 AM and you insisted you were late for mass.
cum and cheesecake for breakfast...don't fucking tell me pride week isn't awesome
So my grandma sent me a valentines day present of waterproof mascara, tissues, and chocolate. Way to reinforce that I'll be single and depressed on valentines day. Thanks grandma.
this is not real life
it never is. after midnight never counts.
Stories of my weekends have cause divorces, are you sure you wanna hang out?
Listen. You seriously only live once... there aren't that many cinco de mayos left until someone knocks u up and u have to have a shotgun wedding. Man up.
I just imagined you going baby-crazy and trying to shove him up into your uterus. Yes, I'm aware he's 7 years old.
I rang in the new year by giving a lap dance to a Lutheran minister in a roomful of people including his wife. Jesus would be proud.
He took initiative. Dragged me into the kitchen and did me on the stove....while it was on! And then we made nachos.
I had to switch to male Siri because I could feel female Siri voice judging me for reading my sexts out loud. Also, the dude voice keeps me in the mood.
i need some fresh meat. meat that has a license and a job and isn’t a FULL-blown alcoholic. partial i could tolerate, bc, haha, let’s be honest, me likey my drinkies.
You sat outside petting a picture of your cat for hours... not even the real thing... just a picture.
Randomize
