My dream in life is to scissor with Ellen. I don't care if I've got a dick. I'll make it work.
How do you politely bring up someone's criminal record?
Babe, the 4 years we've been together have been amazing. Will you marry me?
are you seriously doing this over text message
hahaha no, but i am dumping you.
Standing in a circle of girls fistpumping to the word "hospital" while taking shots.... I don't see this ending well, but its fucking fun.
hey, you wanna get together over coffee or something?
is this code for 'i just got broke up with and i need a sympathy dicking'?
how did you know?
Scratch one off the douchebag bucket list. Just saw a guy in a sesame street tshirt and a tap out hat. Didn't get the memo that big bird's trying to get into mma.
They conduct scientific research memoirs about what sort of shit happened last night after I ate those cookies.
Oh man I'm using the bubble wrap that wraped my new vibrator to wrap my dads fathers day gift
You better buy her a motherfucking bunnyrabit to make up for this. And me footsie pajamas for being a cockblock.
Why is there a cash register on top of my car?
She still didn't believe that he would cheat on her so I finally said "how else would I know that his batman mask is still in the back of his car from halloween?" I think she accepted it
Tuesday Boozeday turned into What-the-fuck-were-you-thinking Wednesday real fast.
Dude get here. I just re-invented nachos. For real though. They werent real before right now
My vagina feels like a chupacabra ripped me apart using its mythological set of needle pointed teeth
Just because I know you’ll get a kick out of this, I sneezed earlier and cupcake frosting came out
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