This morning I saw a frozen puddle in front of my RA's door and I laughed, assuming someone poured water in hopes that she would slip and fall. That's when my roommate told me I had peed there last night. Thank you Captain Morgan!
Please come to History lecture. The kid two seats over is belligerently drunk.
You need to find a way to go down on me and lick my toes at the same time
I'll google it
I was literally just a half conscious dildo.
It's like that depressing moment when you drop your cocaine in the snow.
I did the walk of shame wearing his scrubs. Fucking med school students is the way to go.
My mom just asked me if I can obtain a fake ID by thursday
So in the middle of making out, he decided to give me a breast exam. God I love dating a doctor. He saved me a $20 copay.
I don't need a lecture. I'm 41. I know I'm an idiot.
Just bought a dildo. Happy first time single in four years Valentine's Day to me
Also. I think I just got sentimental over a nude
I'm eating cookie dough with a tongue depressor for lunch.
I will fuck anyone who brings me mcdonalds right now
mother daughter bonding time. she's helping me make jello shots.
Do you think he will let me wear my neck fan while he throws my back out?
Please shut the fuck up.
Randomize
