If the Four Horseman of the Apocalypse gang banged each other and had a kid, it would look like the creature I woke up next to this morning.
pretty sure mid blowjob I told him I needed to call you and ask you if this was whore-ish. He hid my phone from me.
She stuck a Big Gulp bend-y straw up his ass to see if he could handle anal.
Ew, and?!
Well he couldn't and the deal was he had to drink something using it afterwards.
my phone vibrated itself into my puke bucket and literally sizzled. you'll have to reach me at this number for a while.
Hey we met at the bar a week ago. Your friend gave me a rose and you asked about my nipples.
All I I know is that there's 2 new contacts in my phone. Drunk Backdoor and Gayass Handshake. Thanks, Jameson.
Found my wallet. It was under my dresser with a note that said "good job you found me". Drunk me is an ass.
Now that I'm hitting my bong, I realized I haven't missed something so much in a long time. I love Thomas the Dank Engine.
I bought a sword. Make the proper arrangements.
I just remember her dragging me inside in a panic saying we needed mentos and popcorn I have no fucking clue how we ended up asleep in her closet.
I feel like emojis are just meant for explaining sex without using words to make anyone uncomfortable. It's a true gift
Don't have sex in a tent there are so many opportunities for infections
Im covered in coffee vomit and urine and none of which are mine
I forgot to lock the door last night. I woke up cuz a guy opened my bedroom door, asked me who I was and where he was. And there was another guy standing in the living room asking me if I knew what apartment "Travis" lives in.
He just compared fucking my vagina to a snow flake falling on his forehead: gentle.... I'm not sure if that's a compliment or not.
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