i actually looked down at my cock today and said "whoa buddy, you need a haircut....(grimace) and a shower"
Google Chrome's "top 8 most visited sites" page has become my motivation to stop masturbating
tailgaiting my last final, a perfect sendoff.
did you really just refer to me me as an old fashioned penis?
we've coined the Sunday morning ritual of taking out our puke-filled trash cans as The Trash Of Shame
I'm gonna fingerblast you when you get off work. Get ready.
You should imdb "mourning wood" to see what I'm doing with my $80,000 English degree today
Was behind a guy going 20 for 4 miles I'll be there as soon as the universe quits fucking me
You know, you have a good excuse now if you have a poor performance. Just say "what do you expect? I took a paintball to the DICK!!"
Hey, I told her the bathroom was a "No fly zone" after I used it. She willingly allowed her nose to go through that pain. It's her fault, she only supplied me with vodka when she knows I only drink rum.
if i bang your brother are we still cool?
He's listening to "my heart will go on" by himself in the living and its not even noon. MAKE IT STOP.
He's wearing my bra and eating a breadstick while jumping on our bed.....
Like tbh you're not doing anything that screams I'm drunk and yet nothing says I'm going to spend $30 on McDonalds and make out with a stranger like that picture
If you can't beat em, make them send you dick pics so they can't do anything stupid again.
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